I Need to Hear the Words
by AliceSloane13
Summary: It's Mother's Day at Litchfield - based partially on the episode, but mixed in with other things as well "I know why you want me to say it. It's just not that simple though" Summery by: Johanna-002 who saved you from my description - be grateful she is here to contain the crazy!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey guys! So, um, I survived the storm – yay. All is well in my area of the state – so that's good. This is something I've been working on for far longer than I care to admit. You all can thank nofearonlylove for the constant asking "Is it done yet because I need all the words?" and Johanna-002 for the constant "I will inflict bodily harm and hold all your favorite Nicky stories hostage until you give me Mother's Day" But yes, it's finished! Now they can yell at me for something else. I'm sure it will be a pleasant experience….

Jo – this one is totally for you because well… you nearly killed me over it, but also because… you nearly killed me over it. It's totally your fault this is so long, but the brotp we discovered is totally worth it. Also, you read every version of this and gave me all the crap *input* about the areas that sucked! You're awesome.

So, I was thinking about doing NaNoWriMo this year. While I was looking at all the things – I noticed one of the NaNo promo offers. There's a website that has this cool … I don't know how to explain it. It's a writing game? Whatever go check it out. It's fun. It has kept me fairly motivated and the words flowing. 4thewords dot com I'm lame. I know it.

It's sweet. It's sappy. It's sarcastic. It's so ooc because that's my thing now apparently. Anyways, I'm over tired and have lost all sense of what I'm talking about so …. Please enjoy.

XOXOXO

Mother's Day had been a disaster at Litchfield that year. Everyone was exhausted and ready for it to be over by late afternoon. The excitement and merriment slowly melted into frustration and dreariness. There was nothing fun or sweet about toilet paper decorations, games made out of cardboard and anything else the inmates could get their hands on, porta-potties, and a clown that would give even the bravest of souls' nightmares of disturbing proportions. There was only so long the magic of the day could last before the realities that they were all celebrating inside a prison settled in.

Nicky had been doing everything she could to stay busy. She wasn't a patient person and she hated feeling constantly on edge. Part of it was that she was overtired from staying up too late working on a project of hers. The rest of it was just nerves. Everything was amplifying her restlessness. Including the mass of children that were running around like drunken ping pong balls.

She hated kids. _They don't drink. They haven't traveled_. The criteria for how cool or tolerable a child was really had nothing to do with either of those. If Nicky were to be completely honest, she didn't hate these kids - she was envious of them. So many moms crying out of joy at seeing them. Kids who were happy and carefree even though their moms were in prison. They had relationships and family and love. Maybe they weren't as cynical or cultured as she was, but they were loved and that stung more than she cared to admit.

She wondered if Red had already seen what she'd made her. It was stupid to be nervous, but this was a risk that she had put a lot of time and effort into. Out of all the times she had ever tried to celebrate this day, every single year had ended in heartbreak and defeat. Some kids just didn't get the happy family, she had told herself, but it was never enough to protect her from the disappointment.

It was never just the emotional neglect, but actual physical pain that she didn't think anyone should be capable of feeling. Marka's aloofness and obliviousness left such physical distress that Nicky didn't start to get over until she got sick from nerves and broken expectations.

It had been years since she'd put herself at risk. It was something that she never thought she would try again. Things like Mother's Day and family holidays were not something she was worth. That was the message she had always been told, until she finally believed it.

Red was different. Nicky, despite her own fears, was willing to try - just one last time. She needed to know. Maybe Red wouldn't appreciate it and it would hurt worse than all the other times. However, Nicky longed to be loved so badly that it was worth the risk. Red wasn't Marka.

On her way back to the dorms, she saw Red visiting with her family. The sight before her made her want to run to Red's cube and take her card back. She would never live up to Red's boys. They were her real children. What did she need an emotionally needy and broken daughter for? Nicky knew Red cared about her, but that was in prison. When she got out Red would have a life to return to. There was no reason to keep Nicky in it. The only think Nicky had waiting for her was a mother who didn't want her and a loneliness that would hurt worse than ever before.

"Hey," Alex said, hip checking her gently. She faced Nicky and leaned back against the window. "What's got you all mopey? You look like one of those puppies they sell at the mall." She pushed her glasses up on her head and looked at Nicky questioningly.

Nicky shook her head. "Nothing. Just, long day. Ready for all the crazy outsiders to be gone so things settle back down. I hate kids and all this cheeriness is making me nauseated." She pushed back a handful of hair off of her face and tried to make eye contact with Alex. Her head turned to face the other woman, but her eyes never moved. They were still locked on to Red and her family.

Looking over her shoulder to follow Nicky's gaze, Alex saw Red visiting with her family. "I'm pretty sure this whole masochistic voyeur thing you've got going on is probably not the best thing for you right now," she said.

Nicky's gaze never broke. "Yeah, yeah, you're right Vause," she said offhandedly. She stared at the family, realizing once more that what she and Red had was nothing like that. They were together because of this place, not because of any familial bond. Red already had a family.

"Alright punk," Alex said, standing up from against the glass. She grabbed Nicky's shoulders and physically turned her in the other direction. "Off we go to find some trouble to get into," she said, making it clear that this wasn't optional. She wrapped an arm around Nicky's shoulders and led her away. "Maybe we can go lock the meth-heads in the dryers?"

Once she was away from the visitation rooms, and the Reznikov family was out of sight, Nicky felt like she could breathe again. All the doubts she was harboring were still there, but they were at least manageable. _Out of sight. Out of mind_. She tried to convince herself. "Hey, thanks for getting me out of there stretch. I'm good now. I think I might go verbally abuse Luschek for a while. Maybe I can bum a smoke off him. Wanna come?"

The alarm went off and Nicky rolled her eyes. "Or not," she muttered to Alex. They lay on the ground for several minutes before Caputo's voice rang out from the intercoms around camp.

" _All inmates ignore regular protocol and return to your dorms for counts. The faster we can get done ladies the sooner we can all go about our day." You could hear him sigh heavily before he wrapped his announcement up. "Again, all inmates return to your dorms for count."_

"Fuck," Alex hissed and dropped her head onto her arms, before getting up and standing next to Nicky. "Guess you're not getting those smokes after all."

XOXOXO

Red had never been so thankful to hear Caputo's voice in all her years at Litchfield. If it hadn't been for him, she might have added quite a bit more time onto her sentence. There was a good chance that she would have killed Dimitri on the spot if they hadn't been interrupted. Her good for nothing future ex-husband had let her down and in the biggest way she could imagine.

How could he do that to her? And her boys, how long had they been lying for him? It was too much betrayal for one day. They had been married for decades, but now it all felt like a lie. She knew it wasn't true, but Dmitri had done something unforgivable. What value did the rest of the marriage have after this transgression?

It wasn't often that the whole family was together, but finding out that news with all of them watching made it so much worse. She felt like the odd one out having believed their lies for who knows how long. Red did not enjoy feeling like the fool. This wasn't just a betrayal - her pride was wounded. On top of that, her beloved shop was gone.

Happy Mother's Day indeed. They couldn't manage to wait one more day without fucking up? If they had insisted on lying to her, couldn't they have picked a more appropriate day to wash themselves clean of their sins? Wasn't stabbing her in the back enough that they didn't have to twist the knife as well?

Red made her way to the dorms with a stiff look and pointed direction. She wasn't in the mood to make small talk, or any talk for that matter. If there was one thing she had learned how to do, it was hot to create a _don't fuck with me_ air about herself. This was the skin she slipped into. It might be the persona she would take on for a very, very long time.

She made it back to her cube and like the rest of the inmates stood outside waiting. Lost in her own thoughts she didn't pay attention to the world around her. It was a dangerous move in prison, but here - with her family - she was alright. No one would fuck with her.

Had she been paying more attention she would have recognized that when Nicky paused in front of her and gave her a worrisome look it wasn't about Red's mood, but about her own needs that were on the girl's mind. Without a word, Red just nodded her head towards Nicky's cube, telling her to get where she was supposed to be.

Nicky nodded, trying not to get tearful about Red's gruff reaction. She was making herself sick stressing and worrying about what would happen once Red saw her card. It was stupid she knew. It was just the first time that she had ever formally acknowledged how she sincerely thought of Red as her mom.

Sure, they mentioned it here and there and acted like it on most occasions, but that was all a prison illusion. Red had a handful of prison "daughters", but for Nicky there was only Red. Inside or out of prison that was it for her.

Once more, she thought about the card she'd made. She had started so many, throwing each away when they didn't seem right. She had finally decided on one though and within that tiny card were all her feelings and fears.

Had Red already seen it? How would she feel when she knew how serious it was for Nicky? Would she pull away, trying to find a healthy distance or push Nicky away right on the spot?

It was the ultimate setup for rejection.

XOXOXO

Red huffed as she waited impatiently for the cos to make their first round the through dorm. She knew it would take at least two passes before they got the numbers right. How grown adults couldn't manage to count 16 women, she would never understand. Hell, she could count them all just from where she was standing.

Thompson came by quickly and with little interest as he clicked through the inmates and waited near the bubble for O'Neill to catch up. He hated working with the other guard and yet always managed to get stuck with him during counts.

O'Neill approached and when he happened to look up at Red, the death glare she was directing at him made him lose count. The woman terrified him. Despite the prominent hair, she reminded him of one of his least favorite teachers at St. Bartholomew's- even more than Sister Ingalls did.

"Six," she snapped. "Look at the fucking clicker in your hand if you can't count that high." It was so out of character for her to be blatantly aggressive that he didn't know how to respond. Sure, she scared him, but her tongue lashings had never been aimed at him before. Rulers had nothing on her.

A moment passed and O'Neill timidly said, "Six." He kept going, sneaking glances over his shoulder at her. He got to the cube across from Nicky's and lost track again. "Shit," he muttered. He looked back at the cube he'd started with and swallowed hard. His hands had been shaking so much that he'd accidently hit the clicker a few extra times and couldn't rely on that. A hand landed on his shoulder and he jumped with a yelp.

Nicky shook her head and gave him an incredulous look. She might have felt bad for the guy, but Red was right - he was an idiot. "Listen, I- I dunno what's going on with her, but something's getting to Red. My advice would be not to piss her off any more than you already have."

She gestured down the aisle. "Ya see any gaps or missing faces?" When he shook his head no, she patted his shoulder. "Good job, now get out of here before you piss her off again. Also… just a thought, but uh, maybe try breathing through your nose. It could be an oxygen thing," she said, shrugging.

He nodded as he took this information in. "You think? I mean I snore a lot at night and I had asthma as a kid, but I haven't had an attack in..." He started counting on his fingers, messed up, and then started to count again.

Nicky's face morphed into something of complete disbelief. Why was he still here? "O'Neil," she snapped, pulling him out of numerical purgatory. "Maybe go see a doctor. You never know. Maybe, uh, they can help," she said, raising her eyebrows in a very clear get-the-fuck-out-of-here look.

Red half watched their interaction, but she was too lost in her own thoughts to really appreciate it. She saw enough to know that Nicky had ushered him on, but that was all that really interested her. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts. O'Neill announced counts were finished and left them alone to mingle as they pleased.

Turning towards the exit, Red saw Piper standing in front of her. The look on her face was enough to make the younger woman freeze. Red looked her up and down and then huffed a great sigh of frustration. "I'm going to the kitchen," Red told Piper as though she was placing some ancient Russian course on her. For all Piper knew maybe she was. Red shuffled away from their cube before the blond could even process what had just happened.

Piper hadn't asked and it wasn't like Red to check in, but she needed someone to huff at and her gruff explanation was as good as any. She would deny it of course, but Red had a tendency for dramatics when she was upset. Someone needed to know things were not okay. Piper just happened to be there.

"What's up with her? Did she say anything?" Nicky asked, approaching Piper. She tried to keep her questions light and easy as though she weren't internally dying from the strangling anxiety.

Piper shrugged. "Dunno. Didn't ask. She just stormed away." Halfway through Piper broke into her own imitation of Red's accent and added, "She said she was going to the kitchen. I'd steer clear for a while unless you want your head snapped off."

Nicky just nodded, staring in the direction Red had left. She bit her lip, debating on whether she should go after her. Better to wait until things played out on their own, she decided.

"Hey, Lorna and I were gonna go get a game of cards started in the common room. Wanna come?" Piper asked.

Nicky smiled at her and shook her head. "Nah, but thanks. I got some things I gotta take care of."

XOXOXO

Inside the kitchen, Red looked around for something to do. Something to keep her busy until her temper cooled. The only thing needing to be done, that might also help quench her anger, was clean. It didn't even need it, but Red had always believed that things could always be improved upon. It was as good as a distraction as any - and the only real thing she felt she had control over any longer.

This was her life now. An empty kitchen that didn't belong to her. People in masses showing up to eat the mediocre food she was forced to prepare because a lack of ingredients and culinary finesse was all she was allotted. She was limited by venue as well as flair. In that moment, Red wondered if her love of cooking would ever be a source of pride and comfort again. This job, this room, this food - it was all an illusion based on Litchfield's need to pinch pennies and cut costs.

It felt like everything in her outside life was being snatched away from her and there was nothing she could do. Her shop was gone, her boys grown up, and her useless husband wasn't even the man enough to resemble who she had shared a life with. He had somehow grown weaker and feebler. Or had he? Was she the one who had changed so much? Did he only seem to be that way because she had grown into a position of power and authority?

It didn't matter. None of it mattered. Things had changed and there was no going back to the way they had been. Looking around at her kitchen, her heart sank even further. This wasn't her kitchen; it was Litchfield's. It was timeless and her time here wasn't. She would leave one day and then she would have nothing but memories of two lifetimes passed.

It was more than anyone should have to bear. She thought about the women in her circle. They didn't deserve this. None of them did. Even with their crimes, prison took a toll on you that never repaired. It raped you of your past and offered nothing in return but lost time.

The women who left weren't better than before. Hell, most of them weren't bad to begin with. Minimum security prisons were filled with just as many people who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time as they were prisoners who belonged there. The women who left prison just learned new tactics on how to be miserable and how to hide it from the outside world.

It was one thing to keep your humanity intact on the inside, but upon their release they would be lost in a world full of noise and chaos. A world that no longer saw them as the women they once were. Their identities would be gone, even from those who loved them.

Supplying the girls with contraband was Red's way of fighting back. Prison was full of rules and routine. It warped them all into behaving like mindless sheep. They followed orders. They did what they were told.

It wasn't that Red thought that they should be wild. This place would become something like the island in _Lord of the Flies_. She didn't know what the solution was other than somewhere in between the two. They needed structure, but they also needed something more. Something to remind them of who they were and how they needed to fight to hang onto that.

Contraband was something the girls looked forward to. Even if it was a silly pastime. Red saw how it stirred everything up within the girls. They traded, they bartered, they did everything they needed to in order to get what they wanted. It didn't bring out the worst of them. Red had made it very clear that if they were behaving violently or without some degree of morality that she would cut them off. In a way, it brought the girl's together and gave them all purpose that they could control. The contraband market was something that was theirs, not Litchfield's.

After some time, she had cleaned everything she could - several things twice. She physically felt calmer, but everything she had learned about her family still hurt. What purpose would she actually have once she left? She sat down on a chair next to the counter and wrung the rag worriedly in her hands. This was a side of herself that she never allowed anyone to see and yet in that moment she didn't care who might walk in.


	2. Chapter 2

On her way to electrical, Nicky tried to shake off the depressed feeling that had been clouding her day. As much as she hated to admit it, Luschek had a way of making her feel better even when he was bugging the shit out of her. There wasn't a lot of forced support. She knew both Alex's concern and intentions had been genuine, but how could you bitch about your mom to someone who had lost theirs?

Mostly she and Luschek just reveled in their misery together. It was comforting to know someone was as dejected as you. Their dynamic was based on that. They were both jaded, they liked their vices, and they both hated talking about the things that had made them so cynical. That's what brought them together. They just got angry together and never needed to actually talk about anything of any real importance.

She opened the door and stepped in. Luschek was asleep in his chair with his legs propped up on his desk, snoring like a damn bear. Normally it would have been comical, but the fact that he wasn't up and ready to banter just pissed her off.

"Hey Luschek, wake the fuck up," she said, knocking his legs off the desk. Laughing proudly, she watched him nearly fall out of his chair as he jerked awake. She sat on the spot where his feet had been and took a piece of gum off the pack on his desk.

He looked around and wiped a hand down his face, trying to get his bearings. "What the hell was that for?" he asked her. Standing up, he looked around still seeming confused by what happened until his eyes landed on her. Of course, Nichols was involved.

"Morning Sunshine," she mocked, using the name he normally dubbed her with. "Let me have a smoke." She knew he would give her one. He always did. Luschek liked to pretend that it was a hassle, but it never seemed to stop him.

He glared at her for waking him up the way she had. "No way, Nichols, not after that crap." He started shuffling things around on his desk. Looking up at her with an incredulous look he asked, "You stole my gum too?"

She rolled her eyes. He was such a baby about shit like that. "Dude, toughen up a little. They way you're acting Morello could beat you up. Just give me a damn cigarette."

Luschek stared at her for a moment and scoffed. "Oh please, I could totally take her. She's tiny."

Nicky nodded and raised her eyebrows. "Tiny, but scrappy. She's tougher than she looks. She held her own against Pornstashe without any backup. You know he took her out to the woods and threatened the shit out of her? Fucking skeezeball."

"Well hooray for her. Can you please... go away now?" He got no reaction from her. New plan, he decided, talking wasn't working - it was time for physical force. His hands hovered around her figure not actually landing anywhere.

Having absolutely no idea what he was doing or why he was doing it, Nicky just stared at him as if there were something seriously wrong with his brain. Still, she was curious to see how this played out.

Maybe it hadn't been the best of ideas, but he'd already committed. Finally figuring out a tactic, Luschek reached his arms straight in front of him and grabbed onto her hips. He tried to move her off his desk, but she wasn't budging.

It reminded her of some dad trying to hold his pooping baby as far away from himself as he could. "What the fuck are you doing man?" she asked, batting his hands away. She tried to sound serious, but he was so fucking awkward that she couldn't help but laugh at him.

Luschek's cheeks turned red as he got all flustered. Several incomprehensible sounds came from his throat, that seemed to be something between a growl of frustration and a cry for help. He sounded like some kind of fucked up dinosaur.

Nicky's laughter increased at the sight of him. He looked like he was about to stomp his foot in frustration. It was ridiculous. Not only was he a grown man throwing a temper tantrum, but he was supposed to be capable of controlling unruly prisoners.

"You," he said, pointing at her. "Get off my desk." Each word was crisp and punctuated with frustration. "Or I'll … I'll give you a shot," he threatened out of desperation not intent.

"Alright already," Nicky said, hopping down and holding her hands up innocently. She'd had her fun. "Now, can I have one?" She clasped her hands together and comically begged him with pouting lip and batted eyes.

Luschek just shook his head. He leaned forward and got in her face. "No." He was irritated about being at work and about being woken up by junkie inmates. He was especially irritated at Nicky for laughing at him.

"Why?" she asked, knowing it was only a matter of time before he conceded. Nicky was the only friend he had in this shithole. He hated the rest of the CO's and didn't like any of the prisoners except her and even that was debatable. It never mattered how mad he got at her, she always wore him down. It was the closest thing to liking someone as he got.

"I don't have any," he replied, as if it should be obvious. He was lying of course and as usual gave himself too much credit in thinking he could pull it off. He always rubbed the back of his neck when he was lying. She'd learned his tell a long time ago. It wasn't exactly rocket-science. She did wonder how he didn't have an indention on the back of his neck the way Rock Hudson had on his thumbnail.

Nicky wasn't buying it. "Bullshit. Man, just give me one," she whined, all mirth leaving her tone. She didn't want to play games. As entertaining as Luschek had been so far, she was starting to get lose her enthusiasm. The weight of the day was still dragging her down, despite her attempt at distraction.

Putting his jacket on, Luschek just shrugged. "My mom never taught me to share." He watched Nicky's face crumble into a look he wasn't familiar with. It stopped him in his tracks. Nicky was infallible. This was what they did and now something had set her off. "Oh shit, what the fuck is up with you?"

Nicky crossed her arms and huffed. She looked up at the ceiling shaking her head. The last thing she wanted to do was turn into a ball of emotion around him. She shoved a handful of hair off of her face and asked, "You gonna give me one or what?"

Her voice sounded more wobbly than gravelly, but he pretended not to notice. It was the anxious bouncing on her feet that really swayed him. Nervous tics never resulted in anything good, in his experience. He was starting to realize that he had never seen Nicky's bad side and wasn't prepared to either "Come on," he said nodding towards the door. The pair walked outside and made their way to the pavilion.

Nicky spit her gum out as they walked. The flavor was as revolting as she remembered - too sweet and not enough fruit. Besides spitting it out would piss Luschek off as bonus.

"You're gonna waste it too?" Luschek asked. She really was annoying. He hated Mother's Day and had been blissfully ignoring it until she came along.

Nicky raised an eyebrow at him. "Well I'm not gonna smoke with it. The last thing I want is my cigarette to taste like fucking Fruit Stripes. Which, by the way, Fruit Stripes? Really?"

"They taste good," he argued. _Stupid Nicky and her stupid complaints_ , he thought. For two people who didn't get along they spent a lot more time together than they should. He blamed it on her and the fact that he was trapped there 40 hours a week minimum.

Nicky pinched the bridge of her nose, as she spoke. "Yeah for like fifteen seconds. Get some real gum next time. That shit disintegrates in your mouth … and you sure as fuck can't make bubbles with it."

Luschek stopped in his tracks. "I'm not buying special gum for you princess. If you insist on stealing it then I'm glad it's something you hate. Why the hell do you want to blow bubbles anyways?"

"Eh, it's fun to pop 'em real loud and watch people jump," she said, shrugging.

"An activity that seems like a great choice in prison." They sat down at the table, Luschek on the bench and Nicky on the table facing him. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and handed her one. "Why aren't you with Red or your 'real' mother?" he said, mouth wrapped around his own cigarette.

Nicky took the lighter from him and lit hers. "Because she has an actual family asshole and the last word I would ever associate Marka with is mom." She exhaled a cloud full of smoke and looked away from him.

That was something he could relate to. "Yeah, fuck moms," Luschek cried with mock excitement. "Wait I take that back… fuck hot moms," he tried again, raising a fist in triumph.

"You do realize you basically just said you wanted to bang every shitty mom that's relatively hot. Which I feel like your idea of relative hotness is probably a very low bar," Nicky said, dryly. She watched him muddle this over in confusion and annoyance.

He glared at her as he thought of something to come back with. "Screw moms," he tried again.

Nicky gave him a lopsided smile and shook her head. "Nope, still the same thing. Tell you what, I'll get you a dictionary for Christmas."

"Fuck you," he said bitterly. He snatched his lighter back even though she wasn't even using it. It made him feel better. It was _his_ lighter and she only got to use it because he let her. He was in control here.

"Yeah, no thanks. You're not exactly my type." Nicky chuckled, but there was no real merriment behind it. "So, what's wrong with yours?"

Luschek studied her for a moment before answering. "Who said there's anything wrong with mine?" There was something going on with her that wasn't right. He didn't care, but he was curious about what it could be. It was weird seeing her this off her game. He had to remind himself that he didn't care.

"I can smell mother issues a mile away, it's a finely-honed skill. You get fucked up enough, you tend to recognize your own kind. Besides no mother in her right mind would let you turn into… this," she said, gesturing at him.

"Unfortunately for you, it's nothing exciting. Dad died and Mom turned into a drunk overnight. My brother and I took care of ourselves mostly. I was 20, not at home any more. Mom and Zach were driving home from… I don't even know what they were doing. She'd been drinking, drove off the road and slammed into a tree. She lived, he didn't, and I haven't talked to her since."

"That's fucked up man," Nicky said. She hadn't expected something so heavy. She knew Luschek was fucked up and had to have had some shit in his past, but she wasn't expecting something like that. The way he had talked about his brother - Nicky could almost imagine him as being just another guy and not this misanthropic vice addicted bastard.

Luschek pulled a flask out of his coat and raised it up, wiggling it for emphasis. "Learned from the best," he said, taking a hit off of it. He passed it to Nicky. He didn't like thinking about his past and he didn't like the way she was looking at him now. "This," he said, gesturing at himself, "It's not because of that. I was always an asshole - just to make things clear. What about yours?"

She shrugged. "Basically, she had me, never wanted me, and couldn't mold me into something she could live with. We don't talk either. Well, she talks I just don't listen," she said with a bitter smirk. "To mothers," she toasted before chugging down a mouthful of whiskey. "Jesus that's terrible, you can't even splurge on middle shelf booze?"

"Working here? Sorry it's not up to your standards _inmate_ ," Luschek said bitterly. "Gimmie that," he said, snatching his flask back. "See if I give you any next time."

They sat there, finishing their cigarettes. The silence was getting uncomfortable. Sighing heavily Luschek handed her the flask once more. He hated when girls cried and got all emotional over stupid shit. He didn't really classify Nicky as a damsel in distress, but that only made it more uneasy. Nicky's quietness was worse than tears.

"Sucker," Nicky said with a smirk and took another sip. She snuffed her cigarette out on the picnic table and flicked it onto the grass. Smacking her hands on her thighs, she started to get off the table. "Well it's been a real treat. Thanks for the vices man."

Knowing that the moment was over, he rose to his feet and nodded. There was no way in hell he was gonna get sappy about this, but he did get that this had been something Nicky had needed. "Well don't make this a thing. Go find another source for your habits. I don't like sharing and you're not even entertaining. You wanna talk about your lesbian adventures fine, but this let's mope around shit… not cool dude."

Ignoring his comments, Nicky walked away. She made it about five steps before she turned back around. "Hey uh listen, I'm sorry about your brother."

Luschek just nodded with a strained smile. "I said no mopey shit," he called out to her, but there was gratitude in his eyes.

Walking back towards the main building, Nicky heard Luschek yell out a full cussing rant. She turned around and started laughing. He'd managed to step in the gum she'd spit out.

"Shut the fuck up Nichols, this is your fault," he said, trying to rub the gum off the bottom of his shoe by scraping it along the sidewalk. "I hate you."

Nicky walked backwards a few steps and cupped her hands around her mouth. "Next time, get cinnamon. That's my favorite," she yelled and then turned back around. She could hear more curses heading her way, but ignored them as she continued to walk.


	3. Chapter 3

Nicky stood outside Red and Piper's cube bouncing nervously on the balls of her feet. She was otherwise frozen in place, unsure what she wanted to do. It would be so easy to go in, grab the card, leave, and forgot the whole thing. The only trouble with the plan was that she would never find out what would have happened. Was she really scared enough that she was willing to risk never knowing?

She was chewing at her thumbnail with nervous energy. It was a bad habit that she had broken for the most part, except when she was extremely nervous. She looked longingly at the book sitting on Red's desk. So easy. A few steps would be all it took. She could scoop up her true her feelings and tuck them away once more.

It wasn't that her feelings were particularly a secret, but the intensity was. At least Nicky thought they were. She was just another one of Red's daughters. Maybe they were a little bit closer than the others, but Nicky figured that was just because she hung around her a little bit more than the others.

Piper came up behind her and watched her curiously for a minute before greeting her. Nicky was normally so laid back about things. She'd always had a casual carefree nature about her. This was an unfamiliar sight. It was kind of unsettling. Piper put a hand on Nicky's shoulder.

Jumping in reaction to her touch, Nicky shot Piper a worried and then relieved look. "Geeze, you scared the shit out of me," Nicky said, holding her chest. She shook her head and laughed nervously.

"I'm ... sorry?" Piper responded. She didn't know what was going on with Nicky, but all day she had been weird. Now she was unexpectedly freaking out because Piper was approaching her own cube. "Well I would have announced myself, but uh..." she gestured towards her bed.

Nicky waved off her apology and her bad joke. "I just..." she sighed in defeat. Running a hand through her hair, shoving unresponsive locks to where she wished they would stay. "Can you keep something to yourself?" Nicky asked.

"Of course," Piper said. "Is everything okay? You're bouncing around like you're about to go beat the shit out of someone. Wait is this about drugs?" She winced when Nicky shot her a hurt look. "I'm sorry," she added feebly.

Nicky rolled her eyes. "No not drugs. Just Red," she admitted. "I made her a Mother's Day card and I just don't know if I want to give it to her."

Piper tilted her head curiously. "Why wouldn't you give it to her?"

"I don't know - it's complicated. I know it probably seems stupid. I mean it's just a card, right? I call her mom all the time. She's family," Nicky said, her rational thoughts tumbling from her lips. These were the words she had been telling herself all day. Trying to will herself into believing them, they had become a mantra of hope.

Piper nodded. "You're right Nicky. I don't know what you're worried about. Red adores you. I think she'd really appreciate it." She wanted to do more - say more, but she didn't understand what Nicky was stressing about. "Tell me what's really going on."

Rolling her eyes, Nicky began to rock back and forth on her heels. She moved her hands as though she were going to tuck her thumbs in pockets that she didn't have. It was funny how some things never left you. "It's just that. What if she doesn't? She's got a family. She's got real kids. I'm just... maybe it isn't such a good idea. It's probably stupid. She's gonna read it and thank me and that'll be the end of it."

"Well that's generally how this kind of thing works," Piper said, sounding more confused than judgmental. She noticed the way Nicky looked to the ground as she nodded in agreement. "Except, that this means more to you than that, doesn't it?"

Nicky shook her head and her lips curled into a despondent smile at getting caught. "She's the only mom I've ever had," she explained. "I don't know how I'll feel when she looks at me with the pity that goes along with that."

"Red doesn't do pity Nicky. You know that. As for putting yourself in a vulnerable position? When my grandmother passed away, I wasn't there. I hadn't been there since before I came here. I regret not being able to be there so much, even more than getting stuck in here," Piper explained. As she spoke about her grandma her voice wavered a little.

Nicky smiled sympathetically. "It's not the same though. I mean Red's not dying. You had an entire lifetime with her. Red and I only have a few years. It's not like we have this lifelong bond. Besides, there's always next year. I just don't want to make her feel pressured or ..."

"Trust me when I say, there's never enough time. It doesn't matter how much time you spend with the people you love. When the end comes, you're always going to wish for more.

"I just don't want to make her feel pressured or like she's got to treat me different. I know it's not the same thing as with her sons, but it's a lot to me.

"It's a lot to her too Nicky. I've seen my fair share of families who aren't as close as the two of you. As a fellow WASP, you of all people should know that."

"Hey, watch it there Chapman. The WASP thing is something that I've done a damn good job of hiding in here. I'd like to keep it that way."

"Your secret is safe with me. Go get the card if you want, but if you want my advice then give it to her," Piper said, as she squeezed her arm. "I'm gonna go talk to Alex for a few minutes - give you some time to decide."

Nicky nodded. "Thanks."

Piper nodded and started to walk away, but she came right back. "Listen, I wanted to go home and tell my grandmother all the things I hadn't. I wanted to listen to the same stories that she had been telling me over and over since childhood. I just wanted to spend whatever time with her I could.

I was too late Nicky. I didn't even get to talk to her on the phone. She was the only one who wrote to me regularly in here. I wasn't her only granddaughter, but that didn't matter because I was hers. Don't waste the opportunity to tell her how much you appreciate her - how much she means to you."

Looking at where the card was, Nicky's shoulders dropped and she nodded. "You're right. It's about her. Thanks Piper, really. You're not always such a failure at this advice thing after all."

"I'll try not to take that personally. See ya," Piper said, as she walked away.

Nicky chuckled. She looked back into Red's bunk and nodded in determination. She was committed to it now. She wasn't exactly any more optimistic, but she was determined to not back out of giving it to her. With a grudging resolution, Nicky made her way to her own cube and plopped down on her bed. She grabbed the book she was reading, hoping to lose herself in the words.

XOXOXO

Red was pulling out vegetables to chop up. She had been rationing out some of the food they'd been getting in to make soup for the girls. It was the middle of summer and soup seemed like a weird choice, but something hearty that tasted like real food might ease some of the tension that had been working its way into the prison lately.

It was something that Red loved about cooking. The way she could subtly use it to change the mood of the recipient or ease the tension of a room. It was trickier working with such a large group of women, but there were still ways to manipulate things with her cooking. It was like alchemy mixing substances together and creating something new. It wasn't gold, but a quiet prison without such lingering tension was good enough. This was Red's magic. The only real kind she believed in.

She came out of the fridge with an apple crate of vegetables, when Norma came in. Red pointedly ignored her friend, already feeling the silent curiosity coming off her in waves.

Looking around the room, Norma saw how clean everything was. How everything was in its exact place. Red kept the kitchen orderly, but this was much more than that. Not a single thing was out of place by even a fraction of an inch. She raised her eyes in curiosity, countering Red's eyebrow that dared her to comment. She looked back at read with an opposing look that only Red could understand.

"Don't start Norma," Red said, taking the vegetables to the sink. She began to wash them and an uneasy silence bounced of the metal counters of the kitchen that hadn't been there before. It was Norma's silent presence that seemed to intensify the feeling. Before it had just been quiet. Now it was the uneasy silence in the middle of a conversation when no one knew what to say.

Red decided that she wasn't going to be the first one to talk - or the second. Talking never did any good. She was angry and she needed to do something with that anger until she figured out what to do next.

She started to lay out the vegetables into piles on the counter in front of her, but with a hand on her shoulder Red stopped what she was doing and let Norma take over. Regardless of the tension Norma was a good friend and a good helper in the kitchen. It was something Red appreciated even through her anger.

Walking to the cabinet on the wall Red found the key on her ring and opened it. She took down two knives, locked the case behind her, and handed one to Norma. There was another look from her silent friend and Red growled quietly under her breath. "I don't want to talk about it."

Norma shook her head, displeased with Red's stubbornness and held out her hand for a knife. It was obvious that something was troubling her friend and Norma was a strong believer in letting things out in the open. Bottling things up never did any good - especially for someone with a hotheaded temper like Red. It was only a matter of time before she said or did something she would regret.

Without any more conversation, the two women stood side by side, cutting up carrots and peeling potatoes. The room was still thick with Red's emotions, but the silent awkwardness had eased. There was nothing left to be said until Red was ready.

Footsteps echoed on the linoleum as some of the other girls entered the kitchen. Gloria seemed to be trying to calm down a very upset - and very noisy - Ruiz. Despite the fact that she was supposed to be calming her, Gloria was making just as much noise trying to talk over the angry Hispanic.

"Do you two have to fucking yell? Go take your drama somewhere else," Red snapped.

They both looked at her, mouths frozen in response. Behind Red, Norma shook her head in warning, but Gloria rolled her eyes and went right back to talking. "What did he say exactly?" she asked, wanting to be certain Maria wasn't blowing it out of proportion.

"Okay so he said she's getting too big. That she's remembering shit and he doesn't want this to seem normal," Maria said. "It's bullshit."

Gloria nodded. "Well he is right about one thing, this place sure isn't normal."

"Yeah, but to not see my kid?" Maria asked, frustrated.

"Whoa," Gloria said, looking around. "Looks like your visit wasn't the only one that went shitty today. This kitchen is a hell of a lot cleaner than it was this morning." She looked over at the two women. Norma was giving her a worried look, but it was Red that she was staring down. "Did everyone get fucked over today or are you just in one of your _moods_?"

"Mind your own business Mendoza," Red growled as the knife clanked against the cutting board with an unnecessary force. Her gruff exterior was something they were all familiar with, but this was different. There was a fury radiating off of her that probably shouldn't be messed with.

Gloria held her hands up in defense. "I'm just saying. There's been an awful lot of cleaning in this kitchen." She leaned against the counter near Red and just watched her until it was clear that the other woman was going to continue to ignore her. "Whatcha making there?" she asked.

"Soup," Red said, as though Gloria wasn't asking something more specific. "They have that where you come from right?" Moving away from the counter and Gloria, Red went over to where she had started to heat tomato paste and crushed tomatoes in a large vat.

She stirred the heated liquid and added a handful of bay leaves to it. She stirred those in and then added a bit of pepper and several beef bouillon cubes. The meat she was planning on using was enough for the girls, but not enough to round off the flavor the way she would like. This was supposed to be hearty.

"Norma, you tell me if she starts going for the apple seeds," Gloria said with mock worry. She went back over to where Ruiz had sat down and picked their conversation back up. "Well, what are you gonna do?" she asked. Maybe prison was a rough thing to explain to a toddler, but to not see her daughter for years seemed cruel.

"I don't know," she said, voice angry and frustrated. "There's gotta be something I can do though, right? He can't just keep her from me," Ruiz asked, pleading for someone to tell her that it was going to be okay.

Gloria shrugged. "I honestly don't know. Maybe set a meeting with one of the advisers and see what your options are. Or, you could always..." Gloria trailed off. Her message was clear.

Maria shook her head. "Uh-uh, No way." Her voice had taken on a coldness that usually saved to intimidate new inmates. She pounded her fist down on the counter in frustration as she breathed out heavily.

"He's a powerful man. I know if it were one of my kids, I'd be willing to do what it takes to see them. You're a mother now. Honey, your priorities are second in life now. You do what you need to for your kids and put that pride away." Gloria looked down and shook her head. "Listen, it's just something to think about."

"That son of a bitch has never brought anything good into my life."

"Well, you know, there's always a first for everything."

"The last thing I need is him feeling like I owe him something. Man, I don't owe him shit. I sure as hell don't want him around my daughter. At least with Yadriel, I know he has his mom and she's a good person. She'll make sure that Pepa is safe and loved and not caught up in all that bullshit."

"I'm just saying, your father is one scary son of a bitch. If anyone could make sure you get your visits, it's him. I guess it just depends on what is most important to you: seeing her or keeping her out of that shit."

"You really think my father's the best solution?" Maria asked, starting to doubt herself. Just knowing that she wouldn't be seeing her daughter was already taking its toll on her psychologically.

"Hell no, but he is an option. Maybe not a good one, but there isn't a whole lot of anything you can do from in here." She gestured towards the front of the prison. "You think some answer is just gonna make it in here one day? You've got to be smarter than that."

"How very encouraging," Red interrupted. She looked Maria over for a moment, studying the younger woman and her mental state. She remembered how broken she had been when she had come back from the hospital. It was admiral how hard she was fighting for her daughter even know. "You want to see your daughter - it's that piece of scum who says he won't visit that's your target. Men are liars - remember that and you'll be able to see things a little more clearly."

"Yeah well, he wasn't lying about not bringing her back," Ruiz said. "Yadriel is a lot of things, but he's not a liar. He wouldn't have said it if he hadn't thought it over. "

Red raised a careful eyebrow. "You sure about that? Don't trust what he says, look at what he does. Men are deceivers and will only hurt you in the end. Especially if you blindly trust that your man is different - marriage, family, love none of it means a damned when they build their lies. You know him well, find his weak point and use that to get your visits."

"What the hell are you talking about fool?" Gloria snapped. "You're not even making sense. Hell, we don't have to figure out if he's lying or not - there's no secret there, he either shows up for visitations or he doesn't. You sound like some quack with a crystal ball and vague advice."

"Says the woman who plays with magic eggs," Red said with a chuckle. She added the potatoes and carrots to the soup and now stood next to a pile of onions that she was slicing straight into the vat.

Gloria crossed her arms, and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? Well at least those magic eggs made them feel like things would be okay. Your crazy prophecies aren't doing shit for her."

"And calling her father that she clearly has no interest in doing is good advice?" Red asked.

"I never said it was good... I said it was an option." Rolling her eyes, Gloria handed Ruiz the crate of unhusked corn. "Start on those, I'm gonna get the meat started before that old bat forgets that this is beef soup."

"I can hear you," Red snapped.

"Well halle-freakin-lujah, because ya know with all this butting in you've been doing I wasn't sure if your hearing was holding up." She shook her head and pulled out two large frying pans and turned the heat on the oven up as she placed them. "You don't want us prying into your shit, but you sure as fuck have plenty to say about everyone else's problems."

"It would have been cruel to let you keep talking in circles," Red replied in a patronizing tone. She stirred the soup once more making sure the newly added ingredients were mixed. Putting the knife down she moved over to where she had the soup warming.

She sampled a taste and added pepper to help with the weak taste. As she stirred it in, she started to imagine what it would be like to chop Dmitri up into little bitty pieces and put him in the stew. Out of pure bitterness she added more pepper and garlic.

Gloria looked back to Maria and shrugged. Red was in a mood and it was probably better to just ignore her. They spoke amongst themselves to the unstable cadence of Red's knife chopping angrily away at anything she could get her hands on.

Norma had finished cutting up the celery and walked over to the soup and tried a bit of it. She side-eyed Red for a moment, but made no comment. The soup definitely didn't need more pepper.

"Why don't you call his mother. You said she was a good woman, right? As a mother, she'll understand how you're feeling. Besides, women have been lying to protect their families since the beginning. She'll find a way to make things okay for your daughter."

Maria nodded and for the first time since visitation had ended her features lightened. "That's not a bad idea. I've only met her a few times, but you're right. She'd at least try to talk some sense into him."

Shooting a prideful look Red caught Gloria's eyes and nodded. "All boys are frightened of their mothers," she added. Red's eyes spoke volumes telling Gloria that she had just won some point in a game Gloria had no idea they were even playing. "Now if we could only put that kind of fear into husbands, things would be a lot smoother, but no, the older they get the more stupid they act."

Once the vegetables were cut, Norma went over to Gloria and tugged on her sleeve. She tilted her head and looked to Red. Gloria huffed out a breath of frustration and looked at Red. She was stirring her soup and adding pepper to it - again.

"What do you want me to say?" Gloria asked. "She's your friend!"

Norma just shrugged and clasped her hands together. She offered Gloria a weak smile in the hopes of swaying her just enough that she would help.

Gloria dropped her head and nodded. "Fine, but you owe me," she said, pointing at Norma. "So much for this whole Silent Storm thing you got going on. More like Silent Drizzle. Where's all that now?"

Norma's face turned into something more serious and fierce. She walked away with her chin held high and retrieved the crate of green beans and began washing them.

"Okay," Gloria said impressed. Norma was an enigma. How one mute woman could have so much to say and convey it so well was a mystery. She had to hand it to her though. She was tough. You'd have to be to hang around Red and her mood swings all the time.

Ruiz peeled off the husks from the ears of corn as she thought over her newest option. "I don't know if you'll convince him to bring her, but I know she will make sure she knows about me. Growing up with my dad I didn't know shit about my mom for most of my childhood. I don't want that for her. Hell, even a shit mom in prison is better than wondering why you mother didn't stick around or keep you."

She had finished adding the onions to the soup and stirred it all up once more. When she tasted the soup, she shook her head. It still didn't taste right. She reached for the pepper, but was stopped by Gloria's voice.

"Get the hell away from that and stop adding more pepper to it. I'm not dealing with their bitching just because you're sulking about your shitty visit. You make that shit too spicy and they're gonna be blaming me for it," Gloria shook her head.

Red stood in front of the soup, blocking Gloria's attempt to get to it. "Good, I want them to burn. Remind them that this isn't fucking camp. There's a real world out there with real things happening and it's all going to be shit when they get out there."

"You know what," Gloria said, nodding having made a decision. "Get the hell out of my kitchen. You're impossible today."

"It's my kitchen," Red hissed.

Gloria rolled her eyes and pushed Red aside. "It's not gonna be your kitchen anymore when you fuck up dinner so badly that they revolt against you and decide starving themselves is better than eating your bitterness laced meals."

Letting out a low growl, Red stared her down.

Having a taste of the soup herself, Gloria shook her head. "You don't scare me, this soup or whatever what you turned it into is called is what scares me. Now go and let me fix this."

"Don't forget the - " Red reminded.

Gloria held up a hand. "I know what I'm doing. Go find somewhere else to spread you great mood before the rest of dinner suffers."

Red grumbled under her breath as she walked out. Before leaving the kitchen, she turned back and addressed Ruiz. "I'm sure you'll figure something out. You've got to do it yourself kid. Men are fickle fucks - don't trust them to get anything done."

"Uh, thanks," Ruiz said, looking worriedly between Red and Gloria.

Red nodded and left.

XOXOXO

When Piper had shown up to play cards, Lorna had asked her if Nicky was coming. She'd seen them talking after count and thought for sure Nicky would have been with her. Piper started to explain why Nicky hadn't come before she realized that she was going to struggle to back out of this without betraying Nicky's trust.

Alex tuned out Piper's feeble attempts at stretching the truth to fit a reality that Lorna would accept. Instead, she put her cards down on the table and stood up. "There's, uh, something I need to go do that I forgot about. You guys play without me."

Walking up to Nicky's cube Alex started to laugh. "What the fuck are you doing?" she asked, shoving her glasses to the top of her head.

Nicky was sitting on her bed cross legged with her hands resting on her knees facing upward. Her back was straight and breathing slow. She cracked one eye open to see Alex standing in the doorway. "I'm meditating - what the fuck does it look like I'm doing?"

"You don't seem very centered. I take it there's no nirvana in the foreseeable future?" Alex asked, sitting down next to her.

Nicky closed her eye and pointedly ignored her for a minute, but started laughing. She threw her hands up in the air and gave up. "Eh, you know, I thought maybe if I focused hard enough - I'd get one of those good highs. Yoga Jones says they're pretty trippy."

Laughing Alex said, "I'm pretty sure she didn't mean that in relation to a drug haze."

Nicky shrugged. "Yeah, well, it seemed like a good way to pass the time. I take it Piper told you?"

Alex looked at her and raised her eyebrows in fake surprise. She pointed at Nicky as she spoke. "Actually, Piper did not tell me. She started to - in her defense, it was on accident - but she covered quite nicely. I think I'm the only one that really put it together."

Leaning back against the wall, Nicky started to pick at her nails. "Yeah, well," she shrugged, not really having anything to say about it.

"Man, get your shit together Nichols. You're freaking me out today. Piper's already a wreck I need you to … not be."

Nicky laughed. "Alright, I'll be back to normal soon. There's just something that I need to take care of first."

Nodding Alex gave her a sympathetic smile. "Well, I'm sure it will be fine. If not let me know and we'll go kick their asses." She shoved Nicky playfully and then got up to leave.

"Thanks Vause," Nicky called after her.

Alex dipped her head. "Anytime."


	4. Chapter 4

Red had just finished in the kitchen, leaving the younger girls to finish dinner. She was tired. The anger from that afternoon and the work she'd done trying to get rid of it had taken their toll on her.

Normally Red wouldn't have headed to her cube so early, but she was just ready to lie down. Books had a way of taking her mind off everything else. It would be nice to get lost for a little while.

Walking into the small space she noticed Piper was pleasantly absent. She had become quite fond of the younger woman, but she wasn't quite ready for Piper's need to decompress the events of the day like she normally did. Red had come to a point where she didn't mind it much.

It was something that she could see helped Piper make sense of her struggles each day. If there was anything Red was good at it was trying to keep her girl's out of trouble. Now that Piper was one of hers she had a responsibility to listen.

Piper had been doing well lately. Their nightly chats had been getting shorter and shorter. Something else she had noticed was that Piper was starting to ask about her days as well. It was good to see her growing a little and not being so self-involved.

Red rarely had things she was willing to share, but a part of her wished she could ask her about Nicky. She would never seek out advice like that, but the girl was close enough to her daughter that if there was something wrong she might know.

The cube was blissfully silent. Red went ahead and got ready for bed. She wouldn't be getting up again that evening. Pulling her blanket down, she reached beneath her pillow to pull out the book she was currently reading.

Once situated in bed Red just lay there with the book closed on her stomach. Movement caught her eye and she watched Nicky practically run past her cube. Something wasn't right. Nicky would normally at least stop to say goodnight if nothing else.

Red had barely seen her all day and now that she thought back on it, they hadn't spoken all day either. It wasn't like Nicky to be so distant. She'd find out what it was in the morning. For now, Nicky was tucked away in her cube hopefully staying out of trouble.

That was one of the best things about having orchestrated to have Nicky's cube next to her own. When they were in the dorms Red could always keep an eye on her comings and goings without hovering and being the overprotective mom that she was. She would never admit that to anyone, but it was true.

Nicky had been troubled since the day she'd met her. As the months passed, she realized how desperate for a protector she was. It wasn't just that she had a mouth on her or a penchant for trouble. Nicky needed something more.

Red had tried to fill in those gaps in the girl's life, but she could be a handful. The younger woman was terrible about taking care of herself. She was like an unruly toddler, who at times Red needed to check on.

Sometimes she needed to be forced to sleep, other times Red had to track her down to feed her, worst of all there were the times when Red knew Nicky needed some time to herself away from everyone. It was like putting a toddler in time-out, which was just as frustrating as dealing with her sons had been.

Nicky needed boundaries. She needed someone to tell her when enough was enough. Red didn't know if it was because of Marka or just something that was all Nicky, but the girl didn't have a good sense of self-control when it came to so many different things. Nicky didn't seem to know when to stop herself and often times she wasn't aware of when she took things too far.

And her feelings? Nicky wore her heart on her sleeve, even though she thought she was good at hiding it. Red could always see right through whatever shield Nicky tried to throw up. It hurt her to see how little Nicky trusted people, even Red. She was such a tender girl and when she loved it was with her whole heart in an innocence that only children knew how to do.

Red sighed heavily, knowing that if she continued her musings on Nicky she'd never be able to get to sleep. Sometimes the best thing she could do for Nicky was let her struggle through her own troubles - even if it was the last thing Red wanted to do. Just like with her boys, letting them figure things out on their own was just as important as stepping in and protecting them. Nicky was safe, but Red would try to wait until she came to her this time.

She knew this was partially a reflection of her own day, but there was some truth in there as well. Red had allowed other people step in and do something for her that she should have done herself. All it did was leave her disappointed and feeling weaker and more helpless than if she had failed on her own terms. Had she decided to let the shop go when she'd first come to prison she wouldn't be feeling so disappointed now.

Red knew the discomfort she was feeling had nothing to do with anything physical and everything to do with her troubled thoughts. Regardless, she moved around trying to find a comfortable position. Red rolled onto her side effectively knocking her book to the floor. She'd forgotten she was holding it and cursed under her breath as she got up to pick it up off the floor.

She noticed the edge of something poking out of where her bookmark should be. Sitting back down, she stuffed a pillow behind her back and opened the book. Her bookmark was indeed still inside, but along with it was a piece of paper folded in half. Taking it out, she shut the book and set it down on the cabinet next to her. She put her glasses on and smiled as she studied the oddity.

It was a card and there was no doubt in Red's mind who it was from. Was this why Nicky had been acting so strangely? She brushed her fingers across the little hearts drawn on the front, before bringing them to her lips in awe. Each of the hearts were a different color, looking like something you'd find for sale at some little craft table selling handmade crafts.

She could see how much work had been put into it. Red was so entranced by the front of the card that she hesitated to even open it. It was already perfect. She swallowed hard, hoping to swallow down the emotions that were trying to push the tears right out of her eyes. "Nicky," she whispered to herself as she opened the card.

Fighting off the tears had been no use as soon as her eyes followed the trail of words on an otherwise blank space.

 _Happy Mother's Day!_  
 _Thanks for never giving up on me._  
 _Even when I'm not always making you proud._  
 _You mean everything to me._

She was so full of happiness that it felt wrong to also be filled with pain. Nicky, her sweet beautiful girl, couldn't open herself up without putting herself down just in case. It was a defense mechanism, Red knew that. Hurt yourself before someone else can do it, but part of her felt like she had failed her.

Didn't Nicky know that none of that mattered? That's not how moms worked. Red would never give up on her and she would never stop loving her just because she made mistakes. It made her so sad to think that Nicky held onto that fear after so much time. She needed to fix that.

She looked at the inside flap of the card and noticed the writing. It filled the page with whatever sentiments Nicky had felt were important. Red brought the card closer so that she could read the note. These words deserved the utmost care, she was metaphorically holding Nicky's heart in her hand. Those words would mean everything to her.

 _Red,_

 _There's so many things that I want to tell you, but every time I try I get too flustered to go through with it. I figured since it was Mother's Day, I could at least try and write them down because I need you to know how I feel._

 _Since the day we met, you've been giving me things that I've never had before. Things that I didn't even know that I needed. I'm not good with attachments and even worse about mothers. You know all that. I've never wanted to hold on to someone so much in my life as you. I don't want to mess this up, but I want to be honest too._

 _The first time you ever called me your daughter - it changed things for me. I've never had that! I know I'm repeating myself, but it still blows my mind. Even if it's not the same, you made me feel like I belonged somewhere. I have never had that before._

 _You gave me a home… I just wanted you to know how much I love you - how everything you've ever given me has made me a better person. I feel safe just knowing you're here. On my worst_

 _days, I know you're there and that if I show up you'll always know it's a bad day and find a way to make it better._

 _When I call you mom, it's not just a prison thing. I've never had a mom before. I know that you have kids, but I need you to know that you're the only mom I've ever had. I hope that doesn't make things weird because I love you so much. I just wanted you to know how important you are._

 _Love,_

 _Nicky_

Red took in a shaky breath. How could the same words be exactly what she needed to hear and everything she had tried to erase from Nicky's world simultaneously? Nicky was such a good girl. She needed to know that. Maybe Red didn't tell her that enough, but she vowed she would start. Nicky would never go a day without Red making sure that she knew she was wanted.

Closing her eyes, Red tilted her head back and wiped the tears off her cheek. She needed to get herself together. More than that, she needed to go to Nicky. The absurdity of the whole thing was not lost on her and if she wasn't hurting so much for her girl she might laugh. How had this happened?


	5. Chapter 5

Red opened her eyes and instantly found Nicky's. She was standing near the edge of the entrance, head just peeking around the corner from where she hid behind the wall.

"Come here," Red said, patting the spot on the bed next to her. Those big brown eyes brought a soft smile to her lips and she longed to smooth Nicky's furrowed brow. She knew that pouting look well and knew Nicky would end up with a headache if she kept it up.

Nicky chewed on her bottom lip nervously. She looked at the spot and then Red's eyes, repeating the pattern a handful of times. She swallowed hard and tried to make herself smaller. As though she could disappear from Red's line of sight and run away.

Red could see the wheels turning. "Don't you dare go running off. I'm too old and too tired to be chasing you around and corning you into a conversation," Red warned. "Come sit down Nicky."

Nicky slowly walked over to her. Red didn't dare rush her, knowing that she needed to tread carefully. There were always complexities that most people wouldn't see within Nicky when things became heavy. Red knew how to coax her into listening, but past that Nicky had to find her own way through things.

Sitting on the bed next to Red, Nicky slid her feet out of her slippers and pulled up her legs so that she could hug her knees. She looked so young. Red could see how badly her hands were shaking and wished that she could quell that nervous energy every time she saw it. It was truly a sign of how Nicky had only ever known instability in her life. She was always ready to run.

Red laid her hand face up on the bed next to Nicky. She didn't want to back Nicky into anything, but she hoped that Nicky would respond. Nicky pressed her face against her knees and looked away. Red understood that Nicky was scared, but she was starting to wonder if she really understood the depths of Nicky's fear. She was literally trembling all over.

She was so lost in thought that she almost didn't even notice Nicky's cold fingers connect with her palm. That one small gesture and Red's heart already felt lighter. She carefully cupped her fingers around Nicky's hand. Nicky hadn't entwined their fingers so Red had cupped her own hand around Nicky's.

Now that she had Nicky next to her Red didn't know where to start. It would be so much easier if she could just reassure Nicky with gestures. Nicky needed words though. Red wasn't good with them, but she would struggle her way through for Nicky's sake.

"We need to have a talk, Nicky. You card was very sweet and I appreciate everything you said, but I need you to know some things. Maybe we should have talked about this sooner, but that can't be helped now."

"It's okay. I … I get it. It's different with you and me. You don't have to explain. I know I'm not your real kid. I just wanted you to know that you're the only mom I've ever had and I couldn't have picked someone I loved more."

"Oh Malyshka, you know if you stopped pretending you knew what everyone else was thinking you might hear what I have to say once in a while. I know I don't say it enough, but I love you so much."

Nicky looked up at her with a look that could drown you in the emotion that swirled within. The younger woman had never looked so broken to Red before. She didn't know what to do for her.

"You've never said it," Nicky whispered. She didn't know why she said it. Upsetting Red was the last thing she wanted. She was scared that Red was going to push her away for asking too much from her. She knew her feelings were irrational, but she didn't know how to make them stop.

Red tilted her head and looked at her sadly. "Never?" she asked, knowing that Nicky wouldn't have looked over something like this.

Shaking her head, Nicky wiped the tears at her eyes with her sleeves. "Never," Nicky confirmed quietly.

"Sweetheart, I am so sorry. I didn't realize…" Red hated this. She thought back to all the times she should have said it - there were so many. There had been so many times that Nicky had been in pain or had overcome something that had made Red proud. All the times that Nicky had been sick and needed care or silly and made Red smile - how had those three little words never passed between them?

Nicky shook her head. "It's okay. It's not a big deal. You're already so good to me. It doesn't matter." The words spilled from her lips, but all she could taste was the poison behind them. Red was too good to her, but it was a big deal. Well, as big as Nicky's feelings counted.

"Or course it matters!" Red exclaimed. "Look at me Nicky." When Nicky made no sign of moving Red added, "Now Nicky."

Cautiously Brown met Blue. Nicky wanted to stay strong. She didn't want to get her hopes up only to be disappointed if they got smashed. Red had _just_ said it, but it was different. It had been a lip up. It wasn't intentional. Nicky needed to know it wasn't just an accident.

She gestured for Nicky to turn her body towards her and Nicky complied, legs still up in front of her. Red rubbed her hands up and down the sides of Nicky's thighs as she tried to decide the best way to go about this.

Suddenly the words drew back into her heart like they were hiding. Nicky, started to fidget nervously and Red knew what she needed to say. It just didn't feel like enough. Not after all this time. She could see how uncomfortable Nicky was getting. After all, Red knew it had seemed to Nicky that she was setting the whole thing up to tell her she loved her, but now she was hesitating. She hated herself for it.

Nicky exhaled a shaky breath and squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't to ten. She wanted to be patient. Red had always been patient with her. She counted to ten again, this time trying to drag the numbers out a little more in her mind.

Opening her eyes, she found Red's. Her eyes were opened wide and her lips were parted, but she wasn't saying anything. The silence seemed louder now that she could see how lost Red was in this conversation. It had been a mistake to stay. It had been a mistake to say anything at all.


	6. Chapter 6

Nicky rose to her feet, mumbling apologies and platitudes that served to make Red stop, not feel better. She dropped her head low and turned to leave. One step. Two steps. A shaky breath that warned her she was about to lose control. A third step and her feet almost went out beneath her as her torso was jerked back.

Gripping the material on Nicky's back with a strength she hadn't intended, Red quickly moved closer in an attempt to catch Nicky and keep her from falling. She hadn't meant to pull so hard, but she had panicked by Nicky's departure.

"Don't go," Red said quietly.

Nicky leaned her head back and looked towards the ceiling. She bit her lip painfully and her hands clenched tightly in an attempt to ground her. She shook her head yes. "Okay," she said, not turning back around. She still faced the doorway, feet trapped against the floor. She still felt like running and couldn't seem to move.

"I'm someone who does things Nicky," Red said, dropping the material she still clutched in her hands. "I'm not someone who says things." Her hands hovered above Nicky's shoulders, uncertain if they truly wanted to land.

Shaking her head, Red pulled her hands back and wrong them together. "Words - they have never had a prominent place in my life. I've lived a life of actions and doing. It's how I was raised. It's how I raised my sons."

Pacing in the small space between the beds, Red continued to ramble. "Telling you that - what you want to hear, it's not..."

Shifting uncomfortably Nicky wondered why she had stayed at all. She was already hurt, but Red seemed to be struggling with how to let her down gently. She crossed her arms in front of her and began to shift her weight from one foot to the next. Nicky looked to the floor, feeling her eyes water.

"Red," Nicky said. "Please, just stop. This... it's just not working. Can we just forget it? I'm fine, you don't need to get yourself all frazzled trying to tell me that it's not the same for you. That you don't lo-... care about me like that." She turned around, watery eyes pleading with Red to let her leave.

Red shook her head rapidly. "No, Nicky, please." She swallowed hard. "I was going to say that it's not easy for me. Not that it's not true. I know what you want me to say," she continued, taking a step closer to Nicky.

Standing taller, Nicky stiffened and took in a sharp breath. She leaned back as though somehow that would protect her from Red's approach.

"I know why you want me to say it. It's not that simple though," Red said. She grabbed Nicky's hands trying to make her understand that she wanted to have this conversation, she just wasn't good at it. "Just stop," Red said, knowing exactly where Nicky's mind was.

Nicky shook her head and shrugged uncomfortably. "You don't have to do this Red." She dropped her shoulders in frustration. "It's - "

"Yes, I do," Red said, cutting off whatever feeble excuse Nicky was about to make for her. "Especially now." She tugged Nicky's hands and led her back to the bed. She didn't sit down, instead choosing to push Nicky back down. She kept one hand on a shoulder, needing to know that Nicky would stay.

Nicky covered Red's hand with her own and squeezed it. She nodded, willing to stay as long as Red wanted her to. She was surprised when Red went straight for her face, cupping it in a gesture that belonged solely to them. She tried to play it off, but the feeling of Red's hands on her face always made her stomach drop.

Pulling Nicky's face up to meet hers, "I didn't realize that every day I didn't tell you, I was letting you down. What you shared with me - I know it's deeper than the words on this paper."

Unsuccessfully trying to pull her face back, Nicky spoke. "You weren't letting me down Red," she pleaded with a crack in her voice. "You've never let me down," Nicky added quietly.

Red nodded. She let go of Nicky's face and turned, unable to face Nicky as she continued. "Yes - I have. I don't pretend to know what your childhood was like, but I know what you've told me. Your mother - no..." Red shook her head, correcting herself. "Marka, she tried to raise you with her own actions. Things, money, people who were hired. You need words - I see that now."

Wiping tears off her cheeks, Nicky nodded. She hadn't ever thought about it that way, but it was true. Actions could be manipulated - especially with money. Nicky's life had been full of silences. There weren't words in her childhood world - not the kind that mattered. She was starving for them even as an adult. "I guess, maybe."

Red looked over her shoulder and smiled sadly. "It's hard enough for me to talk about this, but words don't seem like enough now, but Nicky," Red said, sitting down next to her and clasped Nicky's hand between her own. "I love you too. More than I can say. Even if I was good with words there wouldn't be enough to tell you how I feel.

Looking up at Red, Nicky's eyebrows rose in questions. She wanted to ask Red if she meant it. She needed to be sure, but the words wouldn't find their way to her tongue.

"From the first day you were here I knew you were going to be special. How much a part of my life you would become," she said, reaching up to brush hair away from Nicky's face. As her hand drifted back down, she grabbed Nicky's chin and turned her towards her. "I didn't know how special you would become to me."

Nicky felt Red's hand rubbing her back and she closed her eyes for a moment listening to Red's words. Without thinking about it she turned her body towards Red's unknowingly seeking a closeness she wasn't ready to ask for.

She wanted to pull Nicky into her arms, but something held her back. There was more to be said. She rubbed Nicky's back with rhythmic strokes, hoping to both calm and comfort. "It wasn't by chance that I came across you in that bathroom. I'd been keeping an eye on you from the moment you arrived. Did you know that?" Red asked, starting to gain back some of her confidence. This was Nicky - her Nicky.

"Really?" Nicky asked, honestly surprised. "Why?" She met Red's gaze and fully turned on the bed to face her.

Red smiled. "I just knew that it was something I needed to do. There wasn't a reason that you can put into words. Even you wouldn't be able to find the words and I know you have all the words. There's nothing you can't articulate, smart girl. Something pulled me to you and I didn't question it."

Nicky was trembling all over, but she couldn't break the gaze she shared with Red. She was so scared of what she was hearing, but it was what she needed. Her bottom lip wobbled and she saw

Red tilt her head in response. She pulled her knees up, keeping them as a barrier between them. It was foolish, but she wanted something between Red's words and her own heart. Something to guard herself with.

Red didn't try to wipe the tears off of Nicky's cheeks, knowing they'd only be replaced with more. "You're family Nicky. Not just in here. You know how I feel about family. You're part of mine. You my dear, have stolen my heart."

Shaking her head, whatever was left of Nicky's composure crumbled. She was trying to push the words away because they had potential to hurt her in the long run, but she needed them. "Yeah?" she asked, the word coming out shaky and scared.

Nodding, Red pushed Nicky's knees down and pulled her into a hug. "Yes. You're stuck with me kid. I love you and there's not anything that will ever change that. Come here," Red said, pulling Nicky even closer.

Nicky scooted as close as she could get and wrapped her arms around Red. She buried her face in Red's shoulder, trying to hide how hard she was crying. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, knowing she was a mess.

"Stop apologizing," Red chided. She wished Nicky didn't do that - make excuses as though her existence was a burden. It was something to be addressed on another day, for now this is what Nicky needed. "Have a good cry and then we'll finish talking. She held Nicky against her and spoke in quiet words. "I love you little girl. You're mine and I'm sorry it's taken me such a long time to let you know." She cupped the back of Nicky's head and held her against her.

Nicky felt Red kiss the top of her head and she felt herself lean harder against Red. She had mentally drained herself all day worrying and stressing, it was starting to catch up to her physically. She nuzzled against Red's shoulder, not knowing how to ask her to keep going - keep talking.

"You don't always have to do the holding on Nicky. I won't let you go. I love you," she said the last part slowly, wanting it to sink in. "You know me well enough to know that I don't say that lightly. I don't do or say things that I don't mean. I have no intention of letting you slip away from me or out of my life. Okay?"

Pulling back Nicky looked at Red and smiled such a relieved and happy sight. She exhaled a heavy sigh of stress and her shoulders sagged as the tension left her. "I love you ma," she said. It was small and hesitant. Hearing those words was unfamiliar to Nicky, but saying them was almost just as foreign.

"I love you," Red said. She thought back to the card. There were so many fears and doubts that she wanted - needed - to quell. "As long as I'm around you have a home. Okay?" When Nicky bit her lip, and nodded in acceptance she continued. "I'm a better person because of you too Nicky. I haven't always been the maternal type - that came along when you did."

Nicky shook her head and scrunched up her brow. "What are you talking about. You already had a gaggle of girls when I came along." They both chuckled at the word of choice. Nicky had seen so many of Red's "daughters" come and go since she'd entered prison.

Nodding, Red grabbed Nicky's hands in her own. "Yes, but it wasn't the same with them. Think back to when you first got here. They were my girls, but they weren't daughters. Not like you or Lorna or Gina. Hell, look at how things with Chapman turned out. All of that was because of something you stirred up. It wasn't just about protection or power any longer. It was taking care of the people around me and you are the most important of all."

Nicky shook her head no and tried to bring her knees back up to hide behind. Everything Red was saying was something she couldn't grasp onto. Nicky didn't see herself as anything special. She had trained herself to always think that way. If you weren't special than you didn't get singled out. Getting singled out always led to trouble or heartache in her life.

Red slapped Nicky's legs back down and brought her in close. "You are my daughter Nicky. Do you know that you were the first one I ever said that to?" She felt Nicky shake her head and she mindlessly started to rub her back once more. "Yes. The first time I called anyone - prison or outside - my daughter was when I said it about you."

She tried to hold it back, but a sob broke from Nicky's lips and she hugged Red tighter. "I love you." She was lost in words that she didn't even realize she needed. It was with an almost catatonic nature that she let Red rearrange them more comfortably in her bed.

"I love you too," Red promised. After a moment, they were stretched out - Red on her back and Nicky curled up against her side.

It was one more thing Nicky hadn't expected. One more thing she didn't realize she needed. Being held like that felt so natural that she didn't even question how they must have looked squished up in the tiny prison bed. She felt Red's fingers, playing gently with the curls in her hair and smiled. "Ma?" she asked, voice hesitant, but with a playful questioning tone.

Red couldn't see her face, but Nicky looked like a shy child blushing from the attention. "I love you too," she said, knowing what Nicky was after. She tilted her head and kissed Nicky's forehead. They lay there for some time. Nicky intermittently asking for the reassurance of love. She had been starved for it and Red wanted to nourish her - no matter how many times she asked.

This went on for some time until Nicky's body relaxed against her and a comfortable silence settled within the cube. Red continued to play with strands of hair, while Nicky matched her breathing to the rise and fall of Red's chest. She had the childish desire to put her head on Red's chest and listen to her heartbeat, but she stayed still.

As if reading her mind, Red grabbed Nicky's hand and placed it over the spot where her heartbeat was strongest. "I love you little girl," she said without being prompted. "You're safe with me and you're not alone Nicky."

Nuzzling against her in response, Nicky closed her eyes and just allowed herself to feel loved. "You know, Marka always hated Mother's Day… hated me."

Red knew she tensed at the mention of Nicky's biological mother. It wasn't a competition - she knew that, but it would take some time before she could let go of the irrational fear that she was just a substitute for the things Marka hadn't given her. Red knew that wasn't why Nicky loved her, but it was so easy to be jealous of Nicky's desire for her mother to care.

"I know it doesn't feel like it, but she doesn't matter anymore. She was a fool for overlooking you honey. You're an amazing girl and should never have been made to think anything less. I know that she will always be your mom, but you can't allow your worth to be based on that woman's blindness"

Nicky nodded. Thinking about Marka still stung, but it hurt a little less when Red was there. "You're not a replacement," she said quietly. Hurting Red was the last thing she wanted to do. "You're my mom - my real mom. She was nothing to me other than Marka. Even when I wanted to pretend that she loved me, I never saw her as my mom."

Red sighed in relief. "Honey, it's okay to still care about her. I just hate to see the pain she brings you. I'm sure she didn't hate you," Red said, hoping the words didn't sound as tainted as they felt. "Some people just shouldn't be parents. That's never the child's fault. You are enough Nicky. You are always enough."

Shoulders shaking, Nicky began to cry against Red's shoulder. "I'm sorry," she said, mumbling the words out between breaths. "I wanted to be loved so badly. I didn't understand why I wasn't enough. Maybe I wouldn't be such a fuck up if I had known differently."

Red grappled for Nicky's chin blindly put once her fingers found their mark she pulled Nicky up roughly to look at her. "You are not and never have been a fuck up. Listen to me Nicky," she said harshly. It was an effort to ground her because Nicky's eyes were floating away looking at anything and everything but Red's. "Your childhood - your past - none of that matters. You are perfect and you're mine," she said, softening.

"Yeah?" Nicky asked. Red's words had made her nervous, but not any less confident or brazen. "You have to say that though."

"You don't think I don't tell my boys when they're being idiots?" Red asked, eyebrow arched as if daring Nicky to argue. "You may be mine and I will love you unconditionally, but I don't put up with bullshit and I call things as I see them." She paused, letting that sink in. "You're perfect Nicky. You're a lovely young woman who is smart - too smart for her own good sometimes. You're confident and funny and you have a way about you that puts people at ease. It's not just something a mother would say. You draw people in and make them relax."

Nicky sat up and crossed her legs facing Red. "You really mean all that?" she asked, pulling one of Red's hands into her lap.

"I do," Red said smirking at her. She moved her free hand behind her head and studied Nicky for a moment. "Why do you think I send you after all the new girls? You are good with people and have a way about you that just radiates kindness - even with that fresh mouth of yours. I don't know if it's because you know what it's like to be alone and scared, but you don't let other people have those feelings or doubts when they're with you."

Nicky looked down nervously and sucked on her bottom lip. Her fingers tangled with Red's and then let go. She traced her way between each of Red's fingers and casually hooked their fingers together before starting over and playing with them in a random childish pattern. "I guess I just don't see it. I mean, I don't do anything different with them than I would anyone else," she said, trying to shrug off the praise.

Tugging on Nicky's fingers until she looked at her, Red smiled. "That's because it comes from a very genuine place Nicky. You have such a large capacity to love and you don't hold that back or keep it away from people. That's rare - in any place, not just prison. You're like the big sister of Litchfield - always there with a shoulder to cry on or a joke or a spark of wisdom that leads them to a solution to their problems."

Nicky shook her head and chuckled under her breath in disbelief. "Are we sure that I'm the junkie, because these words that you're saying - eeegh they're a little out there," Nicky teased.

Pulling her close Red, stayed silent. She closed her eyes and just relished the feeling of Nicky in her arms. She had never had a daughter before, but she couldn't ever remember a time when it felt like Nicky hadn't been there.

"Can I ask you something?" Nicky's voice was cautious, signaling that it was something of importance.

Red squeezed her. "Since when do you ask permission?" she responded, trying to add a little lightness to whatever Nicky's worry was.

"Why is it so easy with you? It's like you don't even think about what you're doing, but I feel more loved with you in a moment than I ever did with Marka in years," Nicky confessed. It was still a sore spot - a bruise on her heart that would heal in time.

Red understood that Nicky was not referring to the kind of love that she had just told her she spread. This wasn't about being a generous spirit or a genuine loving kindness for those around her. This was specific. This was about loving someone in particular - or in Nicky's case about not being loved.

"Why is it so easy for some people to love and for others it's like a different language altogether? Not just with people in general, but like Marka. Maybe she tried, if she did I never saw it, but I feel it with you. Even when you're not there. It's so easy with us. It never seems to go away. "

"Love is never something easy Nicky. It's something you have to fight for. It's messy and it's complicated and sometimes it breaks you down to the point where you wonder if it is even worth it in the end."

Nicky sat there silently trying to make sense of Red's words. Loving Red had always been easy. She knew she was a mess and came with a lot of baggage, but Red had always seemed to love her without question.

If love wasn't easy than what the hell did that mean about them? All the panic from the day crept back underneath her skin. She started fidgeting again and looked to the cube's opening and thought about running.

"Hey," Red said, trying to get her attention. With gentle fingers Red turned Nicky's face to face her own. "We're in prison Nicky. It's not easy to keep relationships in here. Especially ones that matter - ones that are real. Loving makes you vulnerable in here, you know that. We fight every day for what little pieces of happiness we can find inside these walls."

"Yeah, but-" Nicky was quickly silenced by a finger on her lips.

"I fight every day to keep you safe and I know for a fact that you fight every day to make me proud of you. Love isn't easy, but every once in a while, you find love that makes all the fighting seem easy, makes it so easy that it doesn't even feel like fighting because it's worth so much in the end."

Nicky couldn't help but smile. She moved a little closer to Red and relaxed in the comfort. Sitting in silence she thought about Red's words. This moment, this warped twisted stuck in prison moment, was better than all the Mother's Day she'd ever tried to have with Marka.

This was how family should be. Simple, but not perfect. Unconditional, but not always happy. Loving, but not always soft. It was enough. There was a bond between them that despite anything that they might come up against wouldn't be broken or melt away over time.

"Hey ma?" Nicky asked, sleep already coating her voice.

"I love you too," Red said. She pulled Nicky closer. She closed her own eyes and decided that she wasn't sending Nicky to bed even though she should. They could spend whatever time there was until counts together.

"Ma?" Nicky said, giggling sleepily. The stress she had been carrying around all day was gone. Her confidence in her relationship with Red was secure. For the first time in a long time Nicky felt like it was okay to let her guard down and trust in another person.

Red grabbed her hand and held it against her heart. "I love you," she said softer as she dozed off.


	7. Chapter 7

"Count time," Thompson called out, tiredly. The fairly quiet dorms turned into more of a ruckus as the girl's smaller conversations got broken up and everyone moved to where they were supposed to be.

Red woke up from the noise of his loud voice and the racket the other girls were making. Night counts were always more relaxed and less formal. She didn't move right away, trying to fully wake up and figure out what the weight on her chest was.

"Well, well, well," an overly cheerful yet obnoxious voice said, hovering in the doorway. "What have we got here?"

Red rolled her eyes at Luschek. "Since when do you do counts?"

He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall in a relaxed way. "Short staffed. Fucking O'Neill tore out of here after he got back from lunch. Something about his doctor could see him if he got there before five. So, of all people I'm the one that gets stuck staying late."

"Imagine that," Red said, unamused with his complaining.

Luschek just shook his head. "Seriously though. How many fucking people does it take to count you guys? It's not rocket science."

Red laughed at that. It was a question she asked every day. "You would be surprised. Especially when it's O'Neill - some days he doesn't make it to ten."

"What's up with sunshine there? She ever shake off that slump she was in today?" he asked, trying to sound casual, but Red could hear the honesty behind his words.

She nodded. "She's much better now. There were just… some things that we needed to talk about," she said, rubbing Nicky's back gently.

Thompson popped up behind Luschek and crossed his arms impatiently when he saw that Nicky wasn't in her own bunk.

"Oh. My. God.," Luschek exclaimed. "You see her right there. I think it's safe to assume that you can go ahead and count her as being present, since she's only about twenty feet from where she's supposed to be."

Lifting his hands in defeat, Thompson backed away. "Hey man, they're not my rules," he said, walking away to finish.

"I guess I should wake her," Red said, brushing hair off of Nicky's face.

Luschek waved his hand. "Nah, let her sleep. She looks…." he hesitated and cocked his head as he thought before finishing, "peaceful." He smiled warmly not realizing how much it showed that he cared.

"Maybe I was a bit harsh calling you a complete piece of shit," Red said, smirking. "You're still shit, but maybe a little bit less than I thought."

Luschek nodded in understanding. "I will take that as a compliment and bid you goodnight before I do something to offend your good graces. I'd prefer to keep all my organs intact and I know how you Russians can wield a knife." On his way out, he looked over his shoulder and said, "Happy Mother's Day."

"Alright ladies shut up. Go to bed. Have all the lesbian sex that you'd like - and if there are any contraband phones in here, I expect photos and videos in the morning. I'm talking to you Vause," Luschek called out, not bothering to check the other cubes.

"Good luck with that," Alex yelled back at him. She popped her head out of her cube and winked at him. "Piper only let me film her once."

"Alex!" Piper yelled, voice not coming from her own bunk.

Alex was jerked back into her cube and Luschek grinned. "Chapman," he yelled, "Be a team player. That's an order inmate." His tone held humor, but everyone knew he would by no means turn down photos or video if they existed.

"Can everyone just shut up so we can get some sleep?" Gina snapped.

Giggles echoed through the dorm, but silence soon passed over the room, as everyone settled into their own spaces.

The main lights in the dorm went out and Red relaxed once more. Luschek was an idiot _and_ useless, but she was grateful for the gift he'd given her. Being able to hold Nicky throughout the night was probably not something that she would get to do often, but for at least one night her girl would stay right beside her.


	8. Chapter 8

Hey Friends!

I just wanted to say Happy Mother's Day to those of you who are moms! Even if you're just pet moms or sometimes moms or mom helpers or whatever. Hope everyone is having a great day! Most have you have already read the story, but it seemed like the most appropriate place to leave it. If you haven't read it before then I hope you enjoyed,

~A


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